year is 2392
child:mommy i can't sleep
mother:don't worry child. lay down as i sing you this ancient lullaby, passed on through my family for generations
mother:WALK INTO THE CLUB LIKE WHAT UP, I GOT A BIG COCK

youmeatsixual:

one time my sister told me about this kid with a horrible peanut allergy who wouldn’t shut up and then the teacher turned around and was like “maybe if i shove a peanut down your throat you’ll shut up” and the whole class just went silent 

(Source: spicesandvirtues, via fake-mermaid)

(Source: ellen-degeneresfan, via the-absolute-best-gifs)

(Source: matheusw, via pizza)

zooeyclairedeschahell:

“cool jeans,” i tell a cute boy

little did he know that i actually talking about his genes because those chromosomes have combined beautifully ay papi

(Source: zooeyclairedeschanel, via cottoncandycircus)

notyoudonut:

my cat sleeps in this box and i was seeing how far i could push it to the edge before he jumped out and

(via fake-mermaid)

(Source: jgls, via tumblegags)

“He hadn’t once ceased looking at Daisy, and I think he revalued everything in his house according to the measure of response it drew from her well-loved eyes. Sometimes, too, he stared around at his possessions in a dazed way, as though in her actual and astounding presence none of it was any longer real. Once he nearly toppled down a flight of stairs.”

(via z0enightshade)

awkwardvagina:

one time my friend asked me to make a playlist for a road trip because their car radio didnt work so i made one that consisted of 14 different versions of party in the usa and long story short im not trusted with bringing music anymore

(via laughcentre)